Monday, August 17, 2009

the excellent tragedy


Some people are born with an innate sense of adventure. A sense that they are supposed to "go out" into the world and do things. A sense that the town you grew up in just aint big enough and to inter your psychic bones there for the rest of your days would be a tragedy "par excellent. It is fine to re-visit for the holidays but then your skin gets itchy and its time to ramble on . I've always felt this way. I need adventure, if not external, then internal. I need to feel alive because (unlike marriages) it seems to me you only get one go around in this world. I was always comfortable falling on my face as long as I was on the edge of something I didn't understand. I look in the faces of those I have known and I see the trap they have so carefully built for themselves, full of strange and unconscious levers and mechanisms. I am not knocking the safe and secure and suburban life nor am I looking down on another people, one mans trap is another man's paradise. ( I suppose) But I meet some of the people I grew up with and they lived "by the book" and did all the "right things" and yet I get a sense of a slow and ticking malaise, a sense of a hero's death and dragons of un-slain. I am sure there are fingers pointed in my direction at mutterings of "unstable" and wild and the like but we each live according to our own nervous systems. we are hard-wired by our super-ego's, a script handed to us by parental and often unknown forces. My nature is one that prefers life, not sipped but swallowed whole and gulped. Fear is a great shepherd and outside the corral of consensus there is a life that is vast and vibrant and exciting. I dont like boredom. Boredom is a sign of lack of interior recources. "Some are born to rule the world and live their fantasies, most of us just dream anbout the things we'd like to be...." I would rather sleep soundly in a cheap self-made bed than live a lie and swallow medication to help me slumber through the ticking of self laid traps of a bed that is ready made--and besides, there may be a dragon "under there."

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